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Hey Boomers! As a special treat this issue, Sonic the Hedgehog has handed us his own Shadow review! Do I sense jealousy among the ranks of the spikey ones? - Megadroid
The alien invaders known as the Black Arms have launched an attack on Earth! Sounds like a job for yours truly, right? Well, it seems someone thinks I’m not hip enough for that these days. So instead of an action-packed game about me beating on some alien freaks, you get this crime against humanity starring Shadow. SHADOW! Knuckles getting a game, I could handle, but Shadow? “Hey, let’s have the unrepentant genocidal nihilist be the hero! That’ll be great!” [Er… In the games, Shadow didn’t kill the Special Zone. – Megadroid] [Look, whose comic is this anyway? Shut up and go make sure the Humes are drawing my nose right. – Sonic]
Anyway, Shadow’s off fighting bad guys and stuff while running really fast and spin-attacking and collecting Chaos Emeralds and gee, I wonder which cool blue hero he’s ripping off? There’s also a new feature on the game where Shadow must decide which side he’s on – Hero, Dark or Neutral – and the objectives of each level and the path the game takes adjusts accordingly. Yeah, yeah, nice feature on Sega’s part and all, but man! See how bad Shadow is at being a hero? He can’t even decide whether or not he should be fighting alien invaders! Oh, sure, there’s some justification in the plot, but it’s very lame. “Waaa waaa waaa, I can’t remember my past! Oh, there’s some aliens invading the city and killing people, but I don’t care, I’m too busy having a strop. Hey, the leader of the invaders says he will help me remember if I help him get the Chaos Emeralds! I will now go do this and angst like a big girl’s blouse! Waaaaaa!” Then he goes off to do the Dark objectives for the levels and kills a bunch of human solders, while going “waaa waaa waaa” all the way home. This is the guy filling in for me? Thanks, Sega.
Also, Shadow has the ability to pick up weapons, because he’s such a wimp he needs a big gun to help him win fights. This is why I beat him up in #235. [And lost in #233… – Megadroid] [A fluke. – Sonic] There are a bunch of weapons and vehicles and stuff that Shadow picks up and uses, but remember- every time you use them, you’re being a big softie and should be mocked. But you’re buying a game that should be mine except they’ve put Shadow in my place to seem “kewl”, so you should be mocked anyway, you trend-following sheep. I bet you listened to Fabian Vane when he was famous. I got your number.
Anyway, there are a lot of levels and bosses and cameos and other stuff, but all of that sucks because I’m not in this game except as a supporting character. Excuse me, but who was the star of the UK’s official Sega comic? Who was the front man for Segaworld? Who owned Mario’s fat butt in game sales in the early 90s? Me, that’s who, and I didn’t need to grimace while holding a gun in front of an explosion to do it. Because I don’t suck like Shadow does. Don’t buy this game, go buy Sonic Rush which has me in it. And come back for #238 to see me kick Shadow’s teeth in and make him cry.
FINAL
COUNTDOWN! |
| RAVES |
 |
| GRAPHICS |
78 |
| SOUND |
80 |
| PLAYABILITY |
0 |
|
| You can have Shadow fall off the levels to his doom. |
| GRAVES |
 |
| It should’ve been my game! MINE! |
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[You can’t give it that score. – Megadroid] [Watch me. – Sonic]
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